I was given a piece of advice when I stared the journey of opening Sego Lily School, by a staff member and parent in California: “Expect your child to become more vocal about what he wants, and expect your family dynamic to change as the child brings home elements of the school.” This sounded like good advice to me, nothing shocking or unexpected for sure. I now liken it to the conversations parents have with people who are just about to have their first child. “We are so excited, and we feel really prepared,” say the new parents, smiling the smile of the inexperienced. It isn’t until a few months or even years later that they understand – you are never ready to be a parent, but you step into each experience and challenge as it arises. I knew I was ready for these changes. Little did I really know…

Lately I have had several conversations with parents who are concerned about changes they are noticing in their children. “He just seems so much more demanding when I tell him no,” one frustrated parent remarked. “I feel like my authority is being challenged at home more often,” said another. Both parents, who are happy with the school and their children’s experience here, are facing a typical issue with their children. These students are experiencing having a voice and a say in EVERYTHING at school; at home, there are structures in place that have been there for 5, 10, or 15 years, and for most families that involves one or more parents in the place of authority. Nothing wrong with these structures, of course; they are just a different experience than what the child is facing at school.

At home, my children have a lot of the same freedoms that they do at the school – they can choose what to do with their time, who to play with (or not), when to do much of what they want to do. And then there are the realities of family life: there is a time that we must leave the house in order to be to school and other places on time; you don’t get to choose chocolate for breakfast because Mom and Dad aren’t willing to deal with the hyperactive three year old all day; and no one gets a vote on brushing or not brushing their teeth. I find some parallels with Sego Lily School – students here get to choose what to do, when, and with who, as long as they are not violating any of the school’s rules or another person’s rights. And then there are the realities of school life: the doors open at 8 and close at 6; you don’t get to choose to start a fire in the basement because it poses a threat to everyone else in the school; and no one gets to vote on whether or not to attend Judicial Committee proceedings because it is the one thing required of everyone in the school.

My personal challenge has come with my son when he has been told no, and is not getting a suitable answer as to why he has been told no. He has learned, while being at school, that he can discuss a point (a rule, a disagreement) with another until a satisfactory solution is reached. In those rushed moments at home when I just want to say no and pull the “mom card,” (you know, “Because I’m the mommy and I said so”), and he wants to have a say in how things are going, we have struggles. He has even threatened, on one occasion, to “write up” our friend Pieter when they were having a disagreement that wasn’t being solved (we don’t have a JC at home, though).
In those moments of struggle, I am often frustrated, sometimes angry, and there are even fleeting moments when I wish that my children were as obedient as I was forced to be as a child. However, in the calmer moments of life I get present to how much happier my children are when they feel like they have a voice. I spent most of my life (literally, until I was about 27) afraid of adults; my children see them as friends and buddies. And, when I really look in my heart at how I want my children to live their lives – with passion, in control of their lives and destinies – I am thrilled to have my authority as a parent challenged. Of course, sometimes I do use my veto power, but I try to always explain exactly why I am doing so.

There are no answers to the questions posed by the parents mentioned above. Like all parenting, there is only meeting the next challenge and embracing the next stage of our children’s growth. I certainly don’t know the “right” answers, but I am thrilled to be in the constant inquiry it takes to raise thinking, loving, passionate children.

To discuss parenting issues, school philosophy, and other questions, join us for our monthly Parent Discussion Meetings on December 7th and, beginning in January, the 2nd Tuesday of each month, 6:30 at the school.